Chemical Analysis
by Sorceress Fantasia
Summary: Professor Treize has discovered three new elements, and Quatre is there to see just how ‘wonderful’ they are.


Title: Chemical Analysis

Author: Sorceress Fantasia

Pairings: Implied 1x2, R+1, 3x4

Warnings: Humour, Relena bashing, Treize's a little OOC

Notes: Third installment of the Chemistry series.

Thanx to Nitid for beta-ing.

* * *

Quatre walked quickly, his body shivering a little. What was wrong with the air conditioner? It was like someone wanted to turn the corridors into Antarctica! He sighed, making a mental note to look for the technician later. He had probably fallen asleep on the job again. What was it about philanthropists hiring lazy bums that did nothing but sleep?

Rounding a corner, he reached his destination: the thrice-damned room of the man who had demanded to see him at such odd hours in the night. If it weren't for him, Trowa would have, without a doubt, tucked him into bed comfortably. Sighing again, Quatre entered the room, hoping to finish whatever he had to do quickly and return to his lover.

The room was a laboratory, actually, that was filled with sophisticated and state-of-the-art equipment that many scientists would have killed to use. However, it was nearly midnight already, and however passionate those scientists were, they could not resist sleep's calling. Only one man stayed behind.

The lone figure was bent over a desk writing furiously, his mind seemingly completely taken up by the task before him. His pen never stilled even when Quatre opened the door.

Shrugging, Quatre stood behind him. He peered over his shoulder, and noticed that the man was hastily scribbling words that were hardly legible. It was probably something very scientific again, and Quatre did not bother reading it too in depth. He vaguely got the idea that it was some notes on improving light bulbs anyway. He waited for a while, and when he was certain that the man still did not notice him, he called, "Professor Treize!"

The man jumped, dropping his pen. He turned around, pushing up his glasses that had been hanging on the edge of his nose like it was doing some rock-climbing. "Oh, it's you, Quatre. Sorry, I tend to get so absorbed by my work that I hardly notice anything else."

"I know. This is the third time in a week that you've jumped because I called your name while you were working." Quatre replied, slightly grinning. Although he wasn't masochistic, he enjoyed scaring the daylights of the professor. The man, Treize Khushrenada, was a scientist employed by his company, WEI, to do research and development for their products. But when he had employed the man, he had no idea that his passion for science knew no boundaries. And oh, how he regretted it! It was all right with him that Treize liked to stay up all night doing experiments. But it was not okay when he started to give him his reports in the strangest of ways. Usually, a whole pile would be found on his desk, waiting for him to go through. That was fine with him; it was his job after all. However, Treize had this strange habit of alerting Quatre to the newest reports he submitted. Sometimes, Quatre would find a post-it note stuck to the headlines of his newspapers. Other times, he would find a note behind his door, underneath his tea plate in the office, or in another department's business proposal… The most amusing one was when his personal secretary turned to walk out of his office, and he noticed the yellow paper stuck to her back. Unfortunately, Treize was also his cousin, which meant that it wasn't good to fire him.

At least he was a genius. Strange, but a genius nonetheless.

"So, what is it this time?"

"What?"

"I said, what is so important you had to meet me at 2am in the morning?" Quatre repeated, irritation tingeing his voice.

The ginger-haired hair man slapped his forehead. "Oh! I forgot! Sorry, I was doing another report, and I forgot that I had called you over." He answered, pulling out a drawer under his desk. After searching for a while, he produced a thin folder.

"A couple months ago, I discovered small traces of some unknown substance in several test tubes after an experiment. I managed to salvage some of those, and went on to try identifying them. However, after a series of experiments with my team of dedicated scientists, I finally concluded that they don't seem to be of any element known to the human race! As of my last experiment, I am extremely certain that the unknown substances are new elements." Trieze finished, grinning like the infamous Cheshire cat, white teeth sparkling like diamonds under the light.

Quatre started to feel like he was Alice, the poor fellow who was going to be misled by that silly pink cat. And pink, of all colours! It was such an insult to his favourite pink shirt.

But Treize did not seem to have noticed his musing, and he continued talking.

"Do you know just how… incredible this is? I will be put down in history, remembered as the man whose relentless pursuit in science led to the discovery of three new elements!" He exclaimed, gesticulating wildly.

Quatre reached out to get the folder, but somehow, every time his hand got near, Trieze would flail his hands in the other direction. After a few failed attempts, Quatre grabbed his hand in annoyance and took the folder.

"Read my report on the element's characteristics. We'll make bundles if we can just produce them in mass quantities!"

The blonde businessmen ignored him, and concentrated on reading.

Heero - A chemical analysis

Symbol: Hee

Discovered by: Treize Khushrenada

Atomic mass: Widely accepted as 43kg

Occurrences: Usually anywhere where Du is found, but mostly found on L1

Physical properties:

Shock proof, and will usually remain nearly intact even after a 80-storey drop Extremely durable, and will remain usable even after an explosion Surface usually covered with a black, stretchable layer

(Note: I have taken to calling the layer spandex and I am looking for a way to make it into a fabric)

Chemical properties:

Has great affinity to Gundamium May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reasons Highly flammable when it comes into contact with pink objects Highly soluble in any type of lubricants Forms very strong covalent bonds with Du that is inseparable

Possible uses:

Used as bombs in battle Highly ornamental

Tests:

Glows and becomes active in the presence of a Du specimen May produce sticky white liquid in the presence of a Du specimen Turns ashen in the presence of a Re specimen

Hazards:

Prone to sudden explosions Illegal to possess more than one as any sudden explosion will result in a chain effect Extremely active in the presence of a Du specimen, and may produce a lot of white liquid that is hard to clean

Duo – A chemical analysis

Symbol: Du

Discovered by: Treize Khushrenada

Atomic mass: Widely accepted as 43kg, but may be slightly higher if specimen is found near junk food

Occurrences: Usually anywhere where Hee is found, but mostly found on L2

Physical properties:

Surface usually covered with a layer of chestnut coloured substance and feels silky to the touch Melts if given special treatment Turns bitter if ignored Extremely flexible

Chemical properties:

Highly soluble in alcohol Highly absorbent of chocolate and other junk food Forms very strong covalent bonds with Hee that is inseparable

Possible uses:

Highly ornamental Great aid to relaxation

Tests:

Gains excessive amounts of energy if placed with a few other of the same specimen Turns blue in presence of a Re specimen Becomes more active in the presence of Hee specimens

Hazards:

Dangerous to possess more than one specimen at a time as the energy given off may be hazardous to health Even more dangerous to put it next to a Re specimen

Relena – A chemical analysis

Symbol: Re

Discovered by: Treize Khushrenada

Atomic mass: Widely accepted as 40kg

Occurrences: Sanc

Physical properties:

Boils at nothing, freezes without known reason Extremely resilient, and will withstand nearly anything Very rigid

Chemical properties:

1. Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones

2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances

Possible uses:

Effective stress venting agent Most effective for target practice

Tests:

Pure specimen turns a rosy pink when discovered in the natural state Highly sticky in the presence of Hee specimen Turns green in the presence of Du specimen

Hazards:

May attract a whole group of pests

(Note: I have taken to calling them 'followers')

May produce a high frequency sound wave if no Hee specimen is around or if a Heero Duoride is around

"Well, I see that you're finished with this. Let me perform some experiments to show you some of the characteristics I've written in my report." Trieze said, grabbing the folder and putting it back into his drawer before Quatre could protest.

He walked off to another table that was lined with test tubes and beakers, signaling for Quatre to follow. As the blonde businessmen walked towards the table, he busied himself with setting up the needed equipment. In a matter of minutes, he was ready to perform.

"Firstly, about Heero's solubility…" Treize trailed off, and gestured to a whole rack of test tubes that were filled with liquids of various colours. "See? All these are lubricants… and if I mix it with a little Heero…" He dropped a small flake of the element into a test tube that was filled with a colourless liquid. Quickly, the Heero disappeared. Treize repeated the procedure with the other test tubes.

"The Heero dissolves nearly immediately after coming into contact with the lubricants. There is no change in colour, smell or whatsoever. And…"

"Wait a minute. Just how… did you get all these?" Quatre asked, pointing to the bottles of lube nearby. "Did you actually walk into a stall and buy all of them at one go?" He could barely stifle his grin at the mental image of the completely shell-shocked sales assistant. Or maybe Treize had gone online?

Treize blinked. "Oh, I asked Iria where I could get some. And, no offence to you, Sir, but she had this strangest smile, if I might say. She gave all these to me the next day I had asked her. But she wouldn't tell me where she had gotten them from."

That sister of his! Quatre pouted inwardly. No wonder all his lubricants disappeared suddenly overnight!

"Why? Is there a problem?"

Quatre blushed uncontrollably. "No… No, no problem."

Treize nodded, deciding it would be safer to ignore that blush and continued with his next experiment. He took a specimen of Heero and another of Duo and placed them in the same beaker. Before long, the bottom of the beaker was filled with a white liquid. He picked up a glass stick and started to stir the liquid.

"The chemical reaction between a Heero and a Duo will result in this white, creamy substance that I've not given a name to yet." He held up the stick, and Quatre noticed the white liquid dripping off slowly like it was a little sticky.

"Doesn't this just remind you of cream puffs?"

Quatre blanched.

"Just kidding." Treize winked. "You looked so serious."

"That was not a nice one. You know how much I like cream puffs!"

"Too bad, then." The scientist replied, not a trace of remorse on his face. "Since I'm not willing to go to the hospital at this hour, and I think you wouldn't want to either, let's just skip the explosion part. I made my lab assistants conduct most of those experiments. And well… One of them is still in the hospital, I think. Anyway, let's move on to the Duo."

He held up a piece of chestnut coloured thing and some chocolate. "Okay, this is a Duo and a small chuck of chocolate. If we put them together on the table…"

Once he did, he gazed intently at Quatre, who was completely absorbed by the specimen on the table. Barely moments later, he knew the experiment was a success when he saw Quatre's jaws drop. Treize nearly laughed.

"Where's the chocolate? I swear I saw it a minute ago!"

"Now you see it, now you don't! I've already written this in my report! The Duo is extremely absorbent of chocolates and other junk food!"

"I can't believe this…!" Quatre reached out to feel his forehead. No, no fever.

"And if you put a few Duo together…" The scientist continued, and placed the specimens into a beaker. Quickly, the chestnut coloured element bonded. But he removed the beaker just as quickly when he noticed Quatre clenching at his chest, seemingly in pain.

"Quatre! Are you alright?"

Quatre sighed in relief. "Yes, I feel better now that the thing's away from me. I could practically feel the energy given off just now! It felt like having all my nephews and nieces together in the same house! God!"

Treize smiled sympathetically. It was easy to imagine the ruckus. After all, Quatre had 29 sisters.

"I'll stop with the experiments, shall I? I mean, the Relena's a little more difficult to deal with. It has already taken my gold watch. I'm not ready to see it take yours. Unless you want to see its followers…"

"No! No bugs!"

Treize nodded. "Anyway, what do you think of it?"

Quatre looked up at him, frowning. "So what am I supposed to do with these three elements?"

"Well, we could produce something."

"Like?"

"Bombs! You see, large amounts of Heero can trigger off huge explosions. Just imagine. No one would use dynamite again! In simpler terms, that coyote would start using Heero to catch the roadrunner instead of using the old, out-fashioned red sticks! That would be the best advertisement we can make! Kids would be able to buy them easily and blow up military bases!" Treize exclaimed, his smirk reminding Quatre of the Cheshire cat again.

"Or we could use the black layer covering it and make it into some fabric! Judging from the flexibility and durability of the material exhibited on several experiments, I suppose it would be a big hit with soldiers. Also, acrobats could use it too. And those perverted old men would kill to dress their lovers in those because you'd be able to see every curve and bump!"

"And the Duo?"

"The Duo is very beautiful!" Treize answered, punctuating his every word with a slight pause. "Rich people would buy them as decorations in their houses! We could shape Duo into vases, tables, statues… The sky's the limit when it comes to this flexible element! If you want it, we could also sell it to teenage girls who want to lose weight. The Duo will eat the junk food and chocolates for them."

"Relena?"

"The element can withstand nearly anything! From falling buildings, bullets to death threats! It'll be an excellent object to vent your anger on! We can make it into dartboards! And use Heero to make the darts since it's explosive! Then when the dart hits the red bulls eyes, it'll be like hitting the self-destruct button in a gundam! Bwam!" He snapped his fingers with a smirk.

"You've got to be kidding me! Making such dangerous things?" Quatre frowned, feeling a strange sense of familiarity induced by Treize's words.

The scientist seemed hurt by Quatre's remarks, and he backed away. "But why not? I thought they were such good ideas!" And he sniffed sadly.

Suddenly, just as Quatre was digging around in his pockets for tissue, the door to the room flung open and a female figure stood by the threshold. Her hair was tied up in two buns, and a pair of glasses gleamed dangerously in the light.

"Col. Une?" Quatre yelled in shock.

"How dare you defy Treize-sama! You ought to be shot!" She screamed, and fired.

* * *

"AHHHH!" He screamed, and bolted upright. Panting, Quatre reached for his chest, relieved to see that there was no blood. He finally relaxed when he noticed that he was still in his room. Which meant that what happened earlier was only a dream. A nightmare, he corrected himself.

"What's wrong? Are you okay?"

Quatre turned to his side. "Nothing, Trowa. Just a nightmare."

"A nightmare?" Trowa asked, frowning.

He nodded. "Yeah. You wouldn't believe it. I dreamt that Treize was a scientist working for me, and he discovered three new elements which he dubbed 'Heero', 'Duo' and 'Relena'. And when I rejected his proposals, Une shot me!" Quatre groaned, not liking the mental image. "Trowa, remind me to not listen to Duo's unique love story again. It was funny and even romantic the first couple of times, but the story's giving me the creeps now."

"You find it scary now?" Trowa asked, a mischievous gleam entering his emerald eyes. "As much as I like the sound of Heero Duoride, I think I'd prefer Trowa Quatride."

Quatre could barely 'eep' before his lover pushed his down onto the bed.

-owari-


End file.
